Picking up the Pieces

It's been a few days now.  A few days since the woman I loved ceased to be.  Her body may still function.  But Annabel?  Poe?  Whoever she ultimately was?  She's gone.  I have to face the fact that she's never coming back.

I killed her.

It's all my fault.

And now I have to give up.  Eddie's told me there's no hope for her anymore.  And I don't want to believe him.  But this is his job, and he's been around for longer than I have.  I have to trust his word on this.  So I've written up a eulogy for her and posted it to her blog.

I never cried.

Not once.

I don't think I have tears to cry anymore.  I killed them long ago.  I just feel dead inside.  Even more dead than usual now.

When Caper died, the two of us spent the night drinking together.

She's gone, and I spent the night drinking alone.

And the day.

And the next night.

You get the picture.

Nee-chan came by to try to cheer me up.  I didn't let her in.  She's all I really have left here but I didn't let her in.

So I have to forget her.  I have to forget that I killed her so that I can stand to live with myself.

It's time to move on.




Elaine's dead.  I have a report to write.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Everything is falling apart

When I woke up this morning, I checked all the things I normally check online, including the blogs I follow.

This was waiting for me.

I went to check on Annabel and she was just sitting on her bed, completely unresponsive.  She didn't respond to her name.  I tried using Poe's name and she didn't respond to that either.  So I called Zombie.  I brought him in and had him look at her to try to fix whatever was wrong.  And he took a few minutes and then looked at me.  He looked defeated.

Z: I'm sorry, Messenger.  She's gone.

M: What do you mean, "she's gone?"  She's fine.  She's going to recover.  She recovered before, when Screwtape sent us Donovan's head.  This isn't anywhere near as bad as that.

Z: It's not the same thing.  It was a completely different reaction that time.  She showed a lot of signs of an acute stress reaction.  Shock.  This is something different.  I'm not sure what's going on exactly, but I don't think she's coming back from this one.

M: You're a doctor!  You're supposed to know what's happening!

Z: I was studying to be a doctor, yes.  But not a psychiatrist.  I know how to mend bodies, not minds.

M: So you're just going to give up?  Help her!  Help her, dammit!

Z: Messenger--

M: Do something!  Fucking help her!

[I kind of lost my head for a moment.  I grabbed his shirt and jerked him around before he broke free of my grip.]

Z: Messenger!  Listen to me!  I can't do anything!  I've seen what they're like when they're like this.  It's too late for her.  I'm really sorry.  Believe me, I am.  But you're just going to have to accept that she's gone.  [He sighed and shook his head, and in that moment I noticed just how hard this was hitting him as well.]  I'm calling Eddie.  I'm sorry, Messenger.  There's nothing we can do now.

[He gave Eddie a call then.  Sat at the table afterwards, eyes closed, not doing anything.  Thinking, probably.  I sat with Annabel and held her.  She didn't even seem to notice I was there.  She was shaking slightly.  Skin was a little clammy.  All I could think of was how I couldn't lose her.  I still don't think I'll lose her, but I have enough clarity now to admit that I might be in denial.  Anyway, after a while, Eddie showed up.  Zombie let him in and showed him to her room.]

E: I'll take it from here, Messenger.  Go.

M: Eddie...look, I'm sorry....

E: I said go!  This is in my hands now, and I want you out of here.

M: Let me help somehow!

E: You want to help?  Then leave!  This happened because you tried helping!  I told you there would be consequences, Messenger.  And now we're all feeling them.  And Poe?  She's feeling them the hardest.

M: Annabel....

E: She's not Annabel anymore!  She's not even Poe anymore!  Don't you get it, Messenger?  You tampered in places you shouldn't have, and now, the closest thing she'll have to an identity is a designation number.

M: I'll...I'll come by to visit her.  Every day.  Anything to help.

E: No, Messenger, you won't, because you're not welcome anymore.





And he took her.  He took Annabel.  He took Poe.

And now I'm never allowed to see her again.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Eddie's Confrontation

I've been really busy lately spending time with Annabel and trying to help her through all this.  It's difficult for her to remember things sometimes, and struggling to do so sometimes leaves her exhausted, so I've been sticking around and keeping an eye on her.  Through all that, I've kind of neglected to visit Eddie and the Husks.  I decided to change that yesterday.  It was maybe a bad idea.

Eddie looked up at me as I entered.

E: Messenger!  I've been wanting to talk to you.

M: Well, I'm here now.

E: Yeah.  Look, Messenger--what the hell?

M: I know, I know, I'm sorry I haven't been here lately, but--

E: That's not what this is about.  This is about Poe.

M: Annabel.

E: Poe.  You'd be better off leaving her as Poe, Messenger, trust me.  Do you have any clue what the hell you're doing?

M: She wants to be called Annabel, Eddie.  And yes, I know what I'm doing.  I'm bringing her back to how she used to be.

E: [He gave an exasperated sigh.]  Messenger, no offense to you.  I respect what you've done and what you're trying to do.  But you're also the most thickheaded dumbass I've ever met.  This isn't what she needs.  It isn't what she wants.

M: She was the one who asked for it, not me.

E: Yes, but you pushed her and guided her towards it.  And now, you're going to end up destroying her.  I saw her latest post, Messenger.

M: So?  If anything, it just shows how much progress she's made.

E: She's slipping, Messenger.  Things are slipping through her fingers.  Things she should know.  She's confusing herself, and it's not healthy.

M: No offense, Eddie, but I know what I'm doing.

E:  Messenger, you may have been spending time around her, but you don't know her worth shit.  Donovan knew Annabel.  He spent time around her and got to know her.  Caper knew Poe.  He's the one who helped her forge that identity in the first place.  Hell, Screwtape knew her better than you!  You saw the way he was able to get into her head.  She doesn't need this, Messenger.  Don't force it.

M: Trust me, Eddie, I'd love to have Caper and Donovan around to help.  But they're gone.  And don't tell me what she needs or doesn't need; you don't even know her.

E: [His voice started to rise, the hard look in his eyes becoming almost manic.] I don't know her?  I don't know her?  I was there when she first arrived, a broken, battered shell of a woman.  I was there when Caper helped her reconstruct a personality as Poe.  I've seen her struggling to hold on to Annabel and the pain it caused her, and I've seen what she had to give up to become Poe.  I took care of her when she couldn't even take care of herself.  I've fed her, clothed her, protected her, calmed her down, bathed her--which means I've, through no desire of my own, had to see her completely naked, and I know her well enough to know that's more than you've seen.  All these broken souls have been like children to me, and I've done my best to provide for them as much as I can.  And you have the nerve to tell me that I don't even know her?

M: Look, Eddie, I--

E: Out, Messenger.  Get out.  You're not welcome here until you've given your idiotic plan up.

M: Whatever.  I'm out of here.

E: [Yelling after me as I leave] If you hurt her, Messenger, trust me, there will be consequences.

M: Fuck you, Eddie.

Dodged that bullet....

Well, I was expecting April Fool's Day to be a disaster.  After all, you all remember Screwtape's Valentine's Day "gift."  Being around a bunch of socio/psychopaths on a day designed for pranks is just asking for trouble.

Fortunately, it went better than planned.  With Theta not really striking me as the pranking type, Screwtape and Caper dead, and nothing but silence from Eternity, the only person I was expecting a really dangerous prank from was Nee-chan.  Who was, once again, visiting to watch anime.  It's been a while since she's done that, and now that things have calmed down, Annabel and I figured it was a good idea to invite her over again.

She brought a full backpack, which kind of worried me.  After a while I forgot about it (no use being paranoid), and we stopped paying attention to her.

It turns out Nee-chan likes pranks.  But isn't very creative.  After she left, I realized that Annabel and I had to spend the rest of the day cleaning up the toilet paper strewn all over the kitchen.  And the Saran Wrap over the toilet seat.  And the water that spilled all over the floor when I opened my bedroom door (none of the water actually hit me--only the bucket).

So happy April Fool's Day, I guess.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-