Let it be known that I am an idiot

Some of you may have seen Poe's latest post (or "Poest," maybe...sorry, that wasn't funny), so you kind of get an idea of what's been going on.

I've been busy catching up on everything, since we've spent the last few days moving things around.  Fortunately, Nee-chan still had some of her things boxed up, and the room was set up for two instead of for one, so there was space to move Poe's things in. 

Nee-chan was not exactly happy about the decision, since she's convinced now that I don't like her.  But at least she's back to her annoyingly cheery self.  No matter how grating it can be, I prefer it to the moping.  Hopefully, she gets along okay with Screwtape, and just in case she doesn't, I've talked to Poe.  Poe mentioned that she's a fan of anime, and since Nee-chan is...well, quite clearly fan of anime, maybe the two can bond over it. 

Screwtape was also a bit unhappy, but I heard him mutter something about "probably for the best," and I could swear I heard an ominous "she'll live longer this way."  I believe that the two of them are going to be meeting at a Starbucks (probably the same one where I met Jacob) to work together.  Hopefully, things will work out okay.

Poe also told me that she was pretty sure she had figured out where the bar Maurice is at is located.  We're going to head down there this weekend and interview him.  He's got a story to tell, and I'm here to post it.  Expect something from that fairly soon.

Okay.  And now to sort of talk about what Poe and I discussed.  I feel like I'm stalling.  I probably am.  I'm still stalling by typing this so screw it, let's just get it out.

Basically, she was in contact with someone on your side and was emailing back and forth with zir.  Or "him," I guess.  No point in using a gender-neutral pronoun when Poe's already revealed the gender, but for her sake, I think I'll not reveal who he is.  Was.  And it was hard on her, especially after Caper's death.  I...was not exactly happy about it.  Found out that there was another extremely risky thing she did; won't go into that either because it's kind of incriminating and it's a personal thing for her and to be honest, you guys really don't need to know.  Basically, she's taking a lot of stupid risks that I don't want her to be taking, especially after Caper died for refusing to follow orders.

She's a bit upset with me, too.  She apparently doesn't like my "I'll throw you under a bus if I need to," attitude, even though I'm up front about it.  Let me make this clear now for your sake and hers: this is nothing personal.  It's all in the interest of self-preservation, and I'm letting you know now so that you can avoid making stupid mistakes like sending me wedding invitations in the first place.

Hopefully she understands my point of view.  I understand hers, but...I don't like it.  I see how she gets attached to people, and it's dangerous.  Every death of someone she's close to has been hard on her.  It's dangerous for her to get attached to anyone at this point.  So I told her not to get too close to anyone. She told me she wouldn't.  Didn't argue.  Didn't try to protest at all.  Just quietly nodded and said she wouldn't.  I told her...I told her that she shouldn't even get close to me.  It was incredibly hard to say.  It was even harder for me to hear her say, in that quiet voice, that she wouldn't.  That she wasn't already.

But it was for the best.  She can't risk getting close to someone again and then having them ripped away.  It's inevitable.  Everyone dies.  There's no escape from that once you're in.  Poe's going to go on keeping me at arm's length, and everything will be better that way.

That's what should have happened, at least.  The problem is...well, I already consider Poe a friend.  She's the person involved in this that I've known for the longest, and the one I get along with most easily.  And as a result of my mouth deciding that, fuck my brain, it's going to say something stupid, I muttered something about "At least one of us following my advice."

It was stupid.  I never should have said that.  I should have tried to distance myself.  But she heard it, and after a silence, she told me that she had lied.  She's too attached to me already to do the same.  I guess we're a fine pair of idiots, aren't we?  But wait.  It gets better.

I kind of think I like her.  It's...I don't know why exactly.  I guess it's a combination of our shared experiences and the fact that it feels like we're really all each other have right now.  I think it's also because, even though I was drunk that one night, I got to see her smile.  I had never seen her smile before, and I haven't seen her smile since.  But knowing that, underneath all of that gloom, she can actually be happy...it suddenly made everything better.  I want her to be able to smile again, and I want to be able to see it.

And I told her, and now everything's awkward, and I'm an idiot.  Wonderful.  This is...just wonderful.

At least with Nee-chan, things weren't so awkward.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Another Knock

It seems that every time someone knocks on my door, my life gets shaken up a bit more.  And now, it's happened again.

In the middle of the night (or rather, the morning), I was woken up again by a rap on my door.  It was Poe.  Now, let me explain something for a moment here: I haven't been talking to Poe much recently.  I've assumed that she wanted a bit of time alone to mourn Caper's death.  She ended up getting a new partner who's kind of...not the most pleasant guy, and I've really been worried for her, but I assumed that if she wanted to talk to me, she'd let me know.

Well, last night, she did.  She showed up at my door, sobbing.  Asked if she could come in.  I nodded and opened the door for her, and she just stood in the middle of the room for a while, not saying anything, just kind of...stunned.  Not sitting, not moving, just...standing there.  And then she started to try to speak, and through the tears, it was all just this incoherent babbling that I couldn't understand a word of.  I led her to the couch and sat down with her, and she started to calm down some.  "I'm sorry," she finally said.  "Can I stay here tonight?  I...I just don't want to be alone anymore."

Naturally, I couldn't just turn her down.  So I told her to let me grab a blanket and pillow for the couch so she could take the bed.  She didn't actually want to take the bed at first, but I insisted.  I mean, she's been under such stress lately.  She needs a good night's sleep more than anyone, and she didn't need to be spending the night tossing and turning on the sleeper couch.  After a bit of convincing, she finally gave.

So there I am, sleeping on the couch, just about asleep, when I feel the bed give under me as someone climbs onto it on the other side.  A second later, I feel a back pressed against mine.  "I thought I told you to take the bed," I told her.  All she said was "Sorry."  She didn't move, didn't say anything else the rest of the night.  Just said "sorry" and then stayed there.

I woke up before she did.  Got ready to greet the day.  Probably would have made her breakfast of some sort to cheer her up if I had the skill to cook anything more complex than ramen.  I did have some oatmeal, though, so I was at least able to provide a hot breakfast.  Anyway, I showed her the post about Jacob and told her that we could probably work on convincing him to let her change roommates.  We're working through that now.  Don't know yet if I'm going to end up with Screwtape or Poe, but Poe keeps saying that she'd probably feel more comfortable around me than Nee-chan, so let's hope things work out that way.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

What happened/Update on Nee-chan

Okay, so, apparently some friend of the person who writes Take the Myth got married and for some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to send me an invitation.  Why the hell he would do that, I don't know.  For one thing, I don't even know him.  In fact, the name "Cam" is androgynous enough that I assumed he was female until I actually read that post I linked and went "wait, homophobia?"  I don't know the guy at all.  I saw the message, went "who the hell are these people and why are they inviting me to their wedding" and just shrugged it off.

Which brings me to the next point.  You'll find this a bit ironic, but despite being a hacker, I generally don't log in and out of my accounts or lock my computer or anything.  This comes from always using my personal computer all the time and never having to share with anyone else.  This was before I lived with Nee-chan.  Apparently, while I was away, she decided that since she doesn't have her own computer, she'd use mine to read "Morningstar-sempai's" blog.  And apparently I left my e-mail tab up and she had seen a wedding invitation and got curious and clicked on it.  Her mind make the jump that mine didn't, and she decided that she'd go and help The Boss out a bit with an impromptu assignment.  Also, she apparently did ask me about it at one point, but I was distracted and wasn't listening (I normally just try to tune her out).  I apparently said that I wasn't going because I had no clue who they were, which is completely true.

But yeah, it's my fault that she found out, and things didn't click until just now.  I'm sorry that your wedding didn't go as planned.  But let me just say now that I'm not going to apologize for screwing up.  I screwed up and I shouldn't have screwed up.  But what I actually should have done was let Poe or some other tracker know what was going on, because it was holding back information that got Caper killed and, if I may be perfectly frank, if you're going to hand the enemy your location at a certain time, as well as state that multiple people The Boss wants dead are going to be there, you are a fucking idiot and fully deserve everything that happened.  Are you people forgetting that we're not exactly on the same side?  Because we're not.  Seriously.  I've got nothing against you guys, but if it's you or me, I'm probably going to be throwing you under the bus.  I don't know any of you well enough to give up my life for you.  Just putting that out there so we're all on the same page.

But let me try to explain what happened the best I can (from what I can understand...I wasn't exactly there myself).  Nee-chan showed up at the wedding, some guy called Konaa stabbed her (though she apparently got him back), and she ended up coming home before she got herself killed (since she had lost the element of surprise and military men had guns trained on her).  And apparently Morningstar was there too, but I have no clue how he found out.  You can't blame that one for that one.  Short explanation?  Yeah.  If you prefer your wedding battles more dramatized, go read that post from Take the Myth I linked earlier.  I think she mentions who all was there.  They're more qualified to talk about it than I am.  All I needed was the basics.

And now I'm sure that all of you (or more likely, none of you) want to know how Nee-chan is doing.  Well, she sort of didn't come out of her room all of Friday.  I knocked on her door, asked her if she needed something to eat, but she didn't even say anything.  Today, though, she finally came out of her room.  Eyes red, like she had been crying.  Just came out of her room with that plushie of The Boss and some sort of case in her arms, and sat down at the table.  That's when I noticed that the head and one of the tentacles had been ripped off.  She opened up the case, which was full of sewing stuff, and just silently started sewing them back on.  She finished up, left all the thread and stuff on the table, weakly smiled a bit as she held the plushie up and tested her repairs, and then just curled up on the couch with it, tucking herself into the fetal position.  Not sleeping, just staring off into space.

I looked back at her every now and then for a while before I finally decided that yeah, I'd probably have to try to talk to her.  I grabbed a chair from the table and sat down near the couch.

"So," I asked her, "what happened?"

She closed her eyes.  "I don't want to talk about it."

"C'mon, Nee-chan," I told her.  "You have to face this sooner or later.  You can't just lay around in a funk for another day.  Talk it out with me.  It'll make you feel better."

She exhaled, and then turned onto her back, holding up the plushie and staring at it.  "Messenger-san, have you ever let any of your friends down?"

"Of course.  Who hasn't?"

"But really, really let them down?  Like...they were counting on you to do something for them and they put all their trust in you to do it, and even though you tried, even though you wanted to do everything you could for them, and you still ended up letting them down because you messed up...you know how bad that feels, right?"

"Um...I guess.  I can't remember a specific time, but I can imagine that it'd feel pretty bad."

She didn't look at me.  Just kept staring at the plushie.  "And what if the person you let down was your only real friend?"  She hugged the plushie to her and murmured something like "Gomana sigh, Slendy-kun."

...how do you react to something like that?  To someone who tells you that the closest thing to a "real friend" that she has is a suited, tentacled, faceless thing that goes around killing people?  I mean, I can see why she might irritate people (and see it pretty damn clearly, as well), but she's not completely unlikable, is she?  She has to have had at least a few friends in her lifetime, hasn't she?

Anyway, I told her that The Boss probably wasn't mad, and that he knew that she tried.  She said she knew, but that it didn't make her feel much better.  Still, it seemed to reassure her hearing it from someone other than me.  I stopped talking to her after that, but about half an hour later, she started walking around some.  She wasn't done pouting, but she came and told me her side of the story and explained again how exactly she found out about the wedding.  She's not back to her normal overly-cheerful self, but at least she's not going comatose anymore.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

What the hell just happened?

Nee-chan just burst into the apartment not too long ago.  She threw the door open, staggered into the room clutching her shoulder (which was pretty bloody), immediately headed over to the medicine cabinet, and pulled the first aid kit out (knocking half the things on the counter to the ground in the process).  She then stripped her shirt off and started patching herself up, and I got a glance at the wound.  It was pretty bad.  She looked like she had been stabbed.

But that doesn't surprise me that much.  What surprised me was her attitude.  Every single time I've seen her, she's been bright and cheery.  She's got a higher pain tolerance than me, and considering what she does, I assume she's used to wounds like that (she patched herself up pretty quickly, so she's obviously got experience doing that).  But the entire time, she was crying.  Choking back sobs, muttering something like "bokka" under her breath over and over.  Didn't say a word to me, didn't even look at me...didn't even respond when I asked her what had happened.  She just came in, bandaged her wounds, and then locked herself in her room.

Seriously, what happened tonight that set her off like that?

Eh, either way, I'll try talking to her tomorrow.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Meeting Jacob

First of all, I probably won't be writing up a report of the Operation Wintergreen events.  People are dead, there's a perfectly good blog there that explains it all fine.  You don't need me to basically tell you what they've already told you, and if you do, then...I dunno, you've got weird dependency issues or something that you should maybe talk to a shrink about.  I've been busy.  Sue me.  We've had to work on rearranging the entire apartment, since it wasn't set up for two people before, and my job description isn't "tell people what they should already know."

But anyway, this isn't about that.  This is about Jacob.  Our benefactor.  The guy responsible for our paychecks.  And at the same time, the person I know next to nothing about.  Well, "knew" I guess.  Past tense.  Because I've actually met him now.

We met at a Starbucks, as we had arranged.  As I entered, a man turned around and smiled, waving me over to the booth he was sitting at.  Jacob.  I sat down across from him to get my first good look at him.

He was...well, he was not what I expected.  He looked young, at least physically.  I don't swing that way, and even I could tell that he was pretty handsome as well.  Around as old as me, maybe a bit older.  He had this...how do I describe it?  It was a gentle (serene?  calm?) sort of face.  Eyes were an unusually pale blue, neat blonde hair, clean-shaven...like I said, young-looking.  Wore a tan long-sleeved dress shirt with jeans.  Looked pretty sharp and well-groomed overall, which made me feel a bit bad for showing up in just jeans and a t-shirt, unshaved, with hair in need of a trim.

He started talking, and he seemed...cheerful.  Pleasant.  And not in the creepy way, either, just...a happy guy.  Quiet, unassuming...wise, maybe?  I don't know.  He couldn't have been much older than me, but he felt like a father in some ways.

Jacob: Ah, The Messenger, is it?  Can I just call you Messenger for short?

Messenger: You can probably call me Alan if it's easier.  That's the name you'd know me better by.

J: No, no, it's better that I call you Messenger.  It's the name you've chosen, so it's the name I'm calling you.  After all, Jacob isn't exactly my real name, either.

[A thought occurred to me at this point, so I figured it was worth asking.]

M: Incidentally, what was Caper's name?  You'd probably know, wouldn't you?

J: Theodor VonSterninheimer.  But he told me that that was just an alias.

M: Figures.

J: So, you wanted to talk to me?  You need some coffee before we start?  I'll wait.

M: Yeah...and I'm fine, thanks.  I guess I'll just start by asking to clarify what exactly it is you do in regards to all of...you know, us.

J: Well, it's pretty self-explanatory.  I make monthly deposits to everyone's accounts for food and other expenses.  I also pay rent and do some other organizational things. That reminds me, how are you getting along with that Nee-chan girl?

M: Um...it's okay, I guess.  She's a bit annoying, but I guess I'll live with it.

J: Good, good...I'm thinking I may have made a mistake with Poe.  I was looking for someone dedicated to help her out, but I was hoping that they'd...get along better than they have been.  If it becomes a problem, you wouldn't mind rooming with Screwtape or Poe, would you?

M: I suppose not, no.  Anyway, what exactly is your job.  You know, the one that you actually get paid for.

J: Well, I'm a stockbroker and investment adviser.  Not to boast, but a pretty good one, too.  I can actually afford to live fairly comfortably, even after you've all gotten your paychecks.

M:  Mmhmm...and how exactly did you get involved in all of this?

J: In stockbroking?

M: No, in...you know, this stuff with The Boss.

J: [He laughed here.]  So you believe in him too, huh?

M: ...um...yeah...?

J: I'm sorry, it's just...I've never actually seen him.  I'm really not sure whether or not to believe he actually exists.  All I know is that, one day, some guys showed up at my doorstep.  Ask that I fund that cult you're involved in...no offense, I hope.  I see it as a cult, and I really don't know what else to call it.

M: None taken.  It's a pretty accurate term.

J: Okay, then.  Some of the cultists showed up at my door and asked me to fund some people here.  Said that I'd been chosen for that purpose, and that I'd either have to fund them or "Father and his loyal servants" would come after me.  To be honest, I'm still much more frightened of those "servants" than of any sort of "Father."  I'm almost convinced that there are some higher-ups in the cult spreading their propaganda for their own purposes, and that the whole thing is just a made-up excuse for them to gain some sort of power over something or other.

M: So why not run?  I'm sure that they wouldn't be able to find you if you covered your tracks well enough.

J: Why bother?  From what I've hear, there are quite a few of you cultists who are...well, as forced into it as I am.  I've kept and eye on your blog, so I know that you're doing this for your brother.  And most of the people can't even think for themselves.  They've been forcibly brainwashed somehow.  And you're telling me that I should let people like you try to maintain a regular job in addition to everything else the cult makes you do?

M:  I guess you have a point.  And, um...yeah, the term "cult" is starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable now.

J: Oh, I'm so sorry.  You should have said something sooner.  The last thing I want to do is offend the people I'm funding.

M: So you're funding us because you want to?

J: Yes and no.  While I didn't exactly volunteer, I'm more than happy to help out.  You guys do need the help, after all.  No sensible person is going to pay anyone to sit around and read blogs, which some of you are required to do.  And to be honest, most of you involved in...all of this seem like decent, reasonable people.  If I don't help out, who will?  [He grinned.]  I guess I get to play philanthropist, don't I?

M: [I smiled in acknowledgement.] We all really appreciate it.  But this doesn't worry you at all?

J: Not too much.  I feel a bit removed from the whole thing.  I don't like to see it as me funding some crazy cult because my life depends on it, just like I know you don't like to see it as me funding some crazy cult.  I like to see myself as a benefactor, helping out some people who really do need the help.  You're a good man, Messenger.  I'm really sorry that you have to be so deeply involved in all of this.

M: [I stood.]  Well, Jacob, thank you for your time.  I really appreciate it.

J: [Standing, shaking my hand.]  Anytime, Messenger.  I'm just happy I can help.

And that's where I stopped recording.  But yeah,  Jacob.  Not what I really expected.  I had no idea that he hadn't even seen The Boss, or didn't even believe in him.  Doesn't seem possible in some ways.  But I guess...good on him.  He seems like a decent enough guy.  He seems like he deserves the ignorance he has about this whole situation.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Redlight, Greenlight, Stop

This is actually a double report of sorts, as I'm reporting on two deaths that happened at about the same time.

Many of you have no doubt seen the happenings on White Elephants lately.  I'm not going to be posting this here since the blog's kind of in use already, but KK did leave what happened a bit ambiguous.  A team of agents have checked, in fact, since checked it out.

They found Redlight first.  Well...kind of.  They found what used to be Redlight.  He was the easier one to find, as he had a tree growing out of him.  Let me reiterate: he had a fucking tree growing out of him.  There really wasn't much left of him, but there was enough to identify him.  Now, I don't know whether or not he was really some sort of hivemind or whether this means that all Redlights are dead as a result or just this one.  But this particular one?  Definitely dead.

After a bit of searching, they found Robert Sagel propped up against the wall on the inside of a culvert.  They didn't stick around to determine the cause of death, but it was probably a knife wound.  From the trail of blood leading to his location, it looks like he crawled there after being stabbed to die in peace.  I say that because he apparently had a really calm and serene look on his face.  I guess he was happy to be free from the hell he'd been through.

Well, that's it.  Redlight and Greenlight, both dead.  Not much else to say.  Goodbye to both of them.  May they finally find the rest and freedom they longed for in life.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Getting to Know Nee-chan

Well, now that she's all settled in, I've gotten the chance to know Nee-chan a bit better.  I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

But first things first.  An update on the situation with Poe.  She posted a eulogy for Caper (which is definitely worth reading), and I left her a comment saying that, if she needed a friend, I'd be here for her.  It's in her hands now, not mine.  And I'm thinking that she probably just wants to be alone, as I haven't heard anything from her that you haven't.  Also, she has updated her blog since then, and she said something about needing a new partner, so maybe that's why Jacob didn't put her in a room with me.

And speaking of Jacob, I still need to elaborate on him more sometime.  I've given him a call, and he's agreed to meet me in person (I've never actually met him), so I'll let you know more about him then.

And now, on to Nee-chan.  Nee-chan, Nee-chan, Nee-chan.  Yeah.  Let me just say that, when I signed up for this, I never expected to have to deal with background noise from a show with a name as gay as Princess Tutu.  Good lord, this girl has her dumb Japanese cartoons on the TV nonstop.  And for some reason, she never watches them in English.  It's always Japanese with the subtitles.  Why the hell would you watch a show in a language you don't speak when they have one in a language you do speak (yes, I know that they have English versions)?  On the other hand, while Nee-chan (fuck it, I'm going to call her Nee.  But not to her face) clearly doesn't speak Japanese, she sure as hell pretends to, with all the "kuwai" and "desu" and "aregato" that she throws around.  Oh, yeah, and then there's the fact that she refers to The Boss as "Slendy-kun."  I'm not entirely sure what that means, but she says it so affectionately.  Affection?  For The Boss?  What the hell?  He's not exactly a huggy person from what I've seen and heard of him.  And the plushie.  She's always carrying the plushie around, holding it by one arm (or tentacle, usually) like some kid carrying around a blanket or a teddy bear.  It creeps me out.  Like something like The Boss shouldn't look cute like that.

But anyway.  Enough about the irritations.  She's bubbly and annoying, but it's not that terrible living with Nee, so I don't want to give you the impression that I hate her.  What I really should be talking about is what she does.

She's what she calls a hunter.  She explained it to me, and it sounds like they basically finish the job that trackers start.  Trackers find people, hunters...well, hunt them down.  They're the ones who do all the dirty work.  It surprised me that someone as young as Nee would be doing that (she says that she's nineteen, and she almost looks younger than that), but apparently she's pretty good at it.  And then she showed me her knives.  She's...got a bunch of them.  Butterfly knives, switchblades, pocketknives...even hunting knives and kitchen knives.  She picked up a cleaver when she was showing them to me and twirled it around pretty damn expertly.  I don't think she's someone I'd want to mess with.  She seems to like me well enough, but I still don't feel that comfortable around her anymore. 

So, yeah.  We basically just coexist.  She eats her sugary cereals, I eat Chex.  She watches anime, I block her out with music.  She goes out occasionally to try to make some new friends, I keep myself locked up in the apartment.  Admittedly, she really doesn't do much, but that's because she hasn't had assignments yet.  It's not a constant thing like hacking or tracking, but it's pretty intense when she does work.  And apparently, when the summer's over, she's going to have the time to be taking some college courses as well.

And I guess that's Nee in a nutshell.  She's annoying, but not unbearable.  Quirky, to be sure, but then again, so were Hyde and Caper, and I ended up really missing them.  So things aren't quite as bad as they seem.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

New Roomie

So.  This morning, there was a knock at my door.  I head over, open the door, and find this girl standing outside.  And she's...let me take a moment to describe her.

She's wearing one of those Japanese schoolgirl sailor moon kind of outfits, with the long socks that go way up past the knee with a miniskirt, and she's got her hair (which, incidentally, is pink) in side-ponytail things, kind of like how Poe wears her hair.  And she's got a plushie of The Boss in one hand.  Let me reiterate: she carries around a plushie.  Of The Boss.

As soon as I open the door, her face lights up and all of a sudden half the stuff she's saying is in Japanese or something (and she's not actually Japanese), so I only get about half of what she's talking about.  She says something about "Are you Mr. Messenger-san?"

Frankly, I don't know who the hell he is, but I took a guess and assumed she was talking about me.  "Yeah," I told her, "I'm the Messenger.  What do you need?"

She sort of closes her eyes and cocks her head in what would probably be one of the cutest expressions ever if I wasn't so confused by everything she was saying.  She told me that she was apparently my new roommate, since Jacob (he's the guy who funds the proxies in the area...can't believe I haven't mentioned him yet.  Remind me to elaborate sometime) evidently decided he doesn't want to spend the money for me to have a two-person room to myself anymore.  Which is understandable, I suppose.  And I really should have been checking my e-mail, since he did apparently send a memo a few days ago.

Naturally, I had to ask the girl who exactly she was.  And then she said some other weird Japanese phrase or something before telling me her name was Nee-chan.  I asked her how she spelled it.  She pushed past me into the room, grabbed a piece of paper, and scrawled some Japanese characters on it, handing it to me.

I just kind of stared at the paper.  Because really.  What the hell.

She did seem to realize that (surprise, surprise) not many Americans can speak Japanese, and rolled her eyes, scrawling "Nee-chan" down below it on the paper.

"So, um, Nee-chan," I asked her, "what's the deal with Poe?  Why aren't you living with Poe?  Or she living with me, for that matter.  I mean, we're already in the same building.  Wouldn't Jacob just want to put the two of us into one room?"

She shrugged and told me that she didn't know who exactly Poe was, and that she had just gotten to NYC herself and didn't know anyone but Jacob or me.  And I swear that she's got the attention span of a squirrel or something, because she immediately went from that to telling me that she needed to go grab her stuff so that she could move into the apartment.  She set that plushie of The Boss down on the couch, bounced back, and, I kid you not, waved at it, and then said "sayonara, Slendy-kun!"

Yeah.  And then that wasn't enough, either.  She turned and glared at me, her face suddenly completely serious.  "Don't.  Touch him," she said, like she'd kill me if I even thought about touching it (and trust me, I'm not even sure I want to look at that stupid thing).  And then just like that, she grinned again and bounced out the door, saying "C'mon, Messenger-san, help me grab my stuff!"

So now I've got a roommate.  We've got all her stuff moved into the room, and she's working on unpacking.  Yep.

...I...I really don't know what to make of all this.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Another Report

This one should have been done a while ago, but...well, life got in the way and everything, you know?

Here's the report.  Guy called Joce.  To be honest, I didn't really know him, and I haven't actually read his blog yet (though I will), but I at least recognize the name from reading through some comments on Hyde's old blog.

He seemed like a good kid.  It's a real shame he's gone.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

Wrapping a few things up

Things have been...busy lately.  I haven't had much time to tie up the loose ends of a few things I'd like to tie up, and there are a few more threads dangling now that I should probably at least mention.

First of all, I'm back to work, hacking blogs and the like.  I've got a Report that's actually overdue, so I'll be getting that done today.  Basically, it's back to the grind.  I guess my 4th of July weekend early.  No fireworks for me this year.  Not like I want to see anything exploding after the last few days.

Secondly, apparently Poe has a blog now.  I'm not sure why exactly she started it, and I haven't gotten the chance to ask her, just because I haven't even seen her or talked to her since that night that Caper died.

And while I'm on that subject, Poe, I'm so terribly sorry.  I wasn't thinking when I wrote that thing about you being a cute drunk.  Forgive me.  You're attractive when you're not drunk too, and I think that that maybe sounds worse but what I meant was that it was just nice to see you smile and loosen up for once and that you really do act cute when you're drunk.  And I'm just digging myself into a deeper hole, but I hope you know what I mean.  Also, the comment about the beer goggles?  I'm stupid.  Ignore it.  I can't believe I said that.

And one more quick note: I looked back through the comments and...I think it was Hakeri Ryuu who called me Alan.  I'm...really not sure how to react to that.  I think I'd prefer id you didn't call me by my real name.

But anyway.  The big issues now.  First of all, Kyle.  He's stopped reading my blog, now that his curiosity's been satisfied.  Let me explain a bit more.  That story, naturally, was a bit dramatized and doesn't perfectly parallel actual events, though it's close enough that I feel like I can say it's true or accurate.  The little flaws were basically just so Kyle assumed I was telling a story.  Anyway, he's making a vlog about the Slender Man with his friends.  It's not up yet, because the project's still in the early stages, and they're apparently writing the story and filming it all before adding any sort of effects (most of them suck at video editing and want some practice) so that they can just sit back and release it all at leisure.  They all think it's still just some fun game.  I gave them that opportunity.  Kyle's protected, and everyone around him is also protected, just so he suspects nothing.  I know that The Boss may eventually break the deal, but he's stuck by his word so far.  Of course, all this means that I'm all still pretty new to this.  I started blogging less than a month before I joined, and before that, I had only seen Marble Hornets.  So I'm learning.  Hyde gave me summaries of a few major blogs and vlogs, since he'd been around for longer than I had, and that helped a lot.  But yeah, that's the story with Kyle and how exactly I got involved in all of this.  Happy?

And finally, reflections on Caper's death.  It's been hard, I won't lie.  He's been the best friend I've had here so far, and right when we started opening up to each other more, he went and died.  Well...he probably would have never opened up, because according to Poe, even she doesn't know his real story.  I guess we'll never know.  I can only imagine how hard this must be on Poe.  I mean, they were together for, what, half a year?  And they were always so close.  Like I said, until that night, I'd never seen Poe outside of Caper's presence.  I feel like I should go talk to her about it, but I feel like she'd take it the wrong way, especially after what I wrote yesterday.  If she needs to say something, I guess she'll say it on her blog.

But yeah.  I'd like to just use the rest of this post to take a moment of silence for Caper.  I'm sorry I didn't answer when it mattered, but I have one now: I don't think you're a bad person.  I wish I knew, but I really don't think that you are.


















Goodbye, Caper.  I'll miss you.

Well, back to the daily grind.  Maybe working will take my mind off of things.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

This is why I barely ever drink

First of all, let me apologize to everyone I worried with that last post.  I was fine.  Well, no, I wasn't really fine, but the pain was all willingly self-inflicted.  Well, sort of willingly.  I wasn't really thinking about the whole hangover thing back on Thursday night.

Let me start over.  I don't drink very often.  Sure, on certain special occasions, I'll have a beer, but the only times that I seriously drink are the times when I am "drowning my sorrows," so to speak.  And I watched a friend die the other day.  It was...difficult.  I don't know exactly to word how difficult it was, other than to say it drove me to inflict upon myself the worst hangover I've ever had.

Basically, Poe came and knocked on my door last night (or I guess it would have been the night before...the blinding pain makes it kind of all blur together) and brought some alcohol.  I decided that, yes, I definitely needed a drink.  So for I think the first time ever, I spent some one-on-one time with Poe as we reminisced and toasted to Caper's memory and got totally drunk.  The whole night's something of a blur, but I do remember that it actually ended up being fun talking to Poe and we both managed to get our minds off Caper for a while.  It's still not easy, but I think now that I can get over it.  Didn't think to record any of the conversation, because I'm an idiot, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't want to listen to it myself, just because I'm pretty sure I'm an even bigger idiot when I'm drunk.  But I do remember bits and pieces here and there.  Something about Poe saying that Caper and I were totally hot for each other, retelling some of his more ridiculous stories and jokes, and I think some sort of drinking game that I don't remember the details to.  Also, Poe's a pretty cute drunk.  Or maybe that's just the beer goggles speaking.  Or maybe just her smile.  First time I'd ever seen her smile.

Oh, god, I sound so stupid.

Anyway, right.  I should probably get back to work.  I've got a lot of things to catch up on, and a lot of little loose ends here I need to provide closure for.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-

ow god ow why the pain why the pain it hurts
why is the lgitht so bright it hurts why does ithurt so much
my ears are rigning wat is tht noise is that nose iven realit has to be becaus my ears hurt ad my head oh god my head it feels like its being split n two oh god
ow the pain ijustwant to die let me die pleas let me die

dontshoot the messenger