Let it be known that I am an idiot

Some of you may have seen Poe's latest post (or "Poest," maybe...sorry, that wasn't funny), so you kind of get an idea of what's been going on.

I've been busy catching up on everything, since we've spent the last few days moving things around.  Fortunately, Nee-chan still had some of her things boxed up, and the room was set up for two instead of for one, so there was space to move Poe's things in. 

Nee-chan was not exactly happy about the decision, since she's convinced now that I don't like her.  But at least she's back to her annoyingly cheery self.  No matter how grating it can be, I prefer it to the moping.  Hopefully, she gets along okay with Screwtape, and just in case she doesn't, I've talked to Poe.  Poe mentioned that she's a fan of anime, and since Nee-chan is...well, quite clearly fan of anime, maybe the two can bond over it. 

Screwtape was also a bit unhappy, but I heard him mutter something about "probably for the best," and I could swear I heard an ominous "she'll live longer this way."  I believe that the two of them are going to be meeting at a Starbucks (probably the same one where I met Jacob) to work together.  Hopefully, things will work out okay.

Poe also told me that she was pretty sure she had figured out where the bar Maurice is at is located.  We're going to head down there this weekend and interview him.  He's got a story to tell, and I'm here to post it.  Expect something from that fairly soon.

Okay.  And now to sort of talk about what Poe and I discussed.  I feel like I'm stalling.  I probably am.  I'm still stalling by typing this so screw it, let's just get it out.

Basically, she was in contact with someone on your side and was emailing back and forth with zir.  Or "him," I guess.  No point in using a gender-neutral pronoun when Poe's already revealed the gender, but for her sake, I think I'll not reveal who he is.  Was.  And it was hard on her, especially after Caper's death.  I...was not exactly happy about it.  Found out that there was another extremely risky thing she did; won't go into that either because it's kind of incriminating and it's a personal thing for her and to be honest, you guys really don't need to know.  Basically, she's taking a lot of stupid risks that I don't want her to be taking, especially after Caper died for refusing to follow orders.

She's a bit upset with me, too.  She apparently doesn't like my "I'll throw you under a bus if I need to," attitude, even though I'm up front about it.  Let me make this clear now for your sake and hers: this is nothing personal.  It's all in the interest of self-preservation, and I'm letting you know now so that you can avoid making stupid mistakes like sending me wedding invitations in the first place.

Hopefully she understands my point of view.  I understand hers, but...I don't like it.  I see how she gets attached to people, and it's dangerous.  Every death of someone she's close to has been hard on her.  It's dangerous for her to get attached to anyone at this point.  So I told her not to get too close to anyone. She told me she wouldn't.  Didn't argue.  Didn't try to protest at all.  Just quietly nodded and said she wouldn't.  I told her...I told her that she shouldn't even get close to me.  It was incredibly hard to say.  It was even harder for me to hear her say, in that quiet voice, that she wouldn't.  That she wasn't already.

But it was for the best.  She can't risk getting close to someone again and then having them ripped away.  It's inevitable.  Everyone dies.  There's no escape from that once you're in.  Poe's going to go on keeping me at arm's length, and everything will be better that way.

That's what should have happened, at least.  The problem is...well, I already consider Poe a friend.  She's the person involved in this that I've known for the longest, and the one I get along with most easily.  And as a result of my mouth deciding that, fuck my brain, it's going to say something stupid, I muttered something about "At least one of us following my advice."

It was stupid.  I never should have said that.  I should have tried to distance myself.  But she heard it, and after a silence, she told me that she had lied.  She's too attached to me already to do the same.  I guess we're a fine pair of idiots, aren't we?  But wait.  It gets better.

I kind of think I like her.  It's...I don't know why exactly.  I guess it's a combination of our shared experiences and the fact that it feels like we're really all each other have right now.  I think it's also because, even though I was drunk that one night, I got to see her smile.  I had never seen her smile before, and I haven't seen her smile since.  But knowing that, underneath all of that gloom, she can actually be happy...it suddenly made everything better.  I want her to be able to smile again, and I want to be able to see it.

And I told her, and now everything's awkward, and I'm an idiot.  Wonderful.  This is...just wonderful.

At least with Nee-chan, things weren't so awkward.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-