Sunday, February 19, 2012

Dr. Cairo

Well, during Poe's disappearance, I figured I'd take my mind off of things by transcribing a file I've been sitting on for a while now.  Didn't seem particularly pressing, so I've been holding on to it since New Year's Eve.  Anyway, I got it transcribed and since I have the file handy on my computer and everything, I figured I'd put that up as well.

Anyway, some of you may have heard of Dr. Cairo of CompileTRUTH.  He happened to be in NYC and contacted me.  The following is the conversation.

The audio file.

Messenger: All right, so…did one of my asshole friends send you my Skype on Chatroulette or something?  Who the fuck are you?

Cairo: Messenger…we’ve got a bit of a problem here.  This is Dr. Cairo.

M: Okay, I was gonna ask how you knew my name, but you’re…Cairo, one of the, uh, vlog guys, right?

C: Yes.  And I also work for your Boss.  As you should know--or I figured you would know.  Listen, you’re in New York, right?

M: Yeah…?

C: Can you see Time Square from here?

M: Uh…I’ve got it on the TV.

C: Do you see strange numbers on the screen?

[A pause]

M: It’s…it’s New Year’s Eve, you dumbass.  Of course there are numbers on the screen.

C: No, not those fucking numbers!  Big, black screen, red ominous numbers counting down…not the frigging New Year’s countdown; something else!  I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m seeing them, my camera’s seeing them, nobody else can.  What the fuck is going on?

M: Hey, look, I’m sorry, kid.  I can’t help you there.  I’m, uh…I’m really sorry, I’ve got nothing.  Can’t see anything.

C: So I’m the only one who’s seeing it, then.  What the fuck is this supposed to mean?

M: Well, that’s a good question.  I’m not the person you want to ask.

C: Well, unfortunately, I don’t have any way to call him, and even then, he doesn’t exactly talk, now does he?

M: The Boss?

C: Yeah, The Boss!  Who do you think I’m talking about?

M: Eh, just clarifying.

[Another pause]

C: This is fucked up right now.  I just…I’m seeing three hundred something days up there on this countdown.

M: Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a countdown to the New Year, then.

C: No, it’s not.

M: So you, um…you work for The Boss, then, you said?

C: Yeah, I assumed you knew already.

M: No, I’m behind on so many things.  I thought you were one of those runners or something.

C: No, I’m a mole.  Kinda.

M: You play for both teams then, huh?

C: Not exactly.  It’s not like I want to be spending my life doing this shit, but it’s better than the alternative.  I think you’re about in the same boat, am I correct?

M: Uh…don’t know what the boat is, but…brother or something?

C: No.  Parents.  Grandparents.  Plus the self-preservation.

M: Yeah, that sounds about right.  So as long as you’re calling, you mind if I ask a few questions, then?

C: Not like I’m going anywhere.  There’s how many…what, a million people down there right now.

M: [chuckles] Sorta in the habit of interviewing people.  So how exactly did you get involved in all of this?  Like…first find out about it?

C: You ever have someone tell you that TV Tropes will ruin your life?  Pretty much.

M: Yeah, think I’ve heard of that site a couple times.  TV Tropes, then?  Really?  Hmm.

C: Yeah.  All these dumbasses seem to think this is all fiction and make a page like that, and do my job for me to an extent.

M: Still more likely than my roommate’s story.

C: Really, what was it?

M: Uh…you ever heard of Concrete Giraffes?

C: Yeah, I’ve heard of Concrete Giraffes.  Talked about it in my April Fools video.

M: Yeah, that’s, uh…that’s what introduced her.

C: “Hey, guyyyyys!”  Oh, man, can you imagine if he’d seen that video, how he’d react to that? [Part of me’s almost glad that he went off on that tangent.  Kept me from having to talk about it more.]

M: I dunno.

C: It’d be a lot simpler if he was like that.  But no, he’s fucking passive aggressive, that’s what he is.

M: So, uh, how did you get involved with…with him, exactly?  On, you know, this side.

C: Well, you know, the usual bullshit happened.  He followed me, started seeing him everywhere.  And at some point or another--my memory’s a bit fuzzy--he cut me a deal somehow.  I don’t even remember it, that’s, like, the one thing that bothers me: I’m fuzzy on the details.  But I agreed to…spread the word, and he’d leave me and my family alone.  It’s not that bad…edit a couple of videos, and then it’s schmuck bait and they go for it, and I don’t consider it blood on my hands if they’re dumb enough to fall for everything.

M: Heh…yeah, we’ve got a lot of idiots on both sides of the fence.

C: Ugh, tell me about it.  I should send you some stuff from my inbox sometime, you’ll get a chuckle.

M: Eh, fortunately I don’t get any from any like that.  Though there was this one asshole who tried linking me to Lemon Party once for some reason.

C: Not sure what that is.

M: Yeah, don’t look it up.

C: I won’t.  So can I ask you a question?

M: Yeah?

C: Well, you hear things through the grapevine, I assume, and you get information from runners and stuff, like, about different things and shit.  Ever heard of somebody called the Herald?

M: Uh…not really…uh…which side is he on?  Or she on?

C: I’m not entirely sure, because whoever he is, he hacked my Twitter and YouTube.  He also got his hands on footage that I deleted and erased somehow, and that hard drive never left my side, so I don’t know how he got it.  He blew my cover, so I assume he’s not on our side, but who on their side has hacking capabilities like that?

M: Hmm.  I think there’s…one?  Although she doesn’t fit the profile, really and she’s…dead, or something?  I dunno.  Jeez, everyone throwing around all these pretentious bullshit names.  Sometimes they pop up now and then.

C: I know, but I need to figure out who this Herald guy is.  Talk to him.

M: I haven’t heard anything.  Speaking of which, are you…a part of some sort of organization or are you…freelance, I guess?

C: Uh, the latter.  I mean, you’re honestly the first person I’ve had to talk to.  It’s easier that way.

M: Yeah, how did you get this Skype, anyway?

C: Uh…long story, involving a chain of contacts….

M: It was Eternity, wasn’t it?

C: …Yeah, you got me.  Sent him an email asking….

M: Ugh, the guy’s a fucking prick.

C: I figured I would come to you first to look for information, ‘cause you’re kind of in the same boat as me with, you know, not being completely behind on all this stuff, know what I mean?  But if I have to look elsewhere, I’ll look elsewhere.  Don’t wanna have to deal with the crazy crazies.  Just the mildly crazies.  Sanes.  Mildly crazy to sane.  It’s a spectrum.  I’m dealing with it.

M: Yeah, well…don’t come visit then.  I know this chick who, I swear, she thinks she’s from one of the animes or something.  She has dyed her fucking hair pink.  She doesn’t seem to realize…and on top of that, she is batshit insane by normal standards.  I have seen videos of her cutting people up to ribbons.  It’s not…ugh, be glad you work alone, lemme tell you that.  Be glad you work alone.  I eat a fucking rainbow every night.  I mean…shit.

C: Well, I think I’ve just figured something out.

M: What?

C: I had this hunch, so I took out my phone and went on the calendar and everything; I did the math.  It’s counting down to the winter solstice.  If this is accurate and if it doesn’t change, it’s gonna hit zero on the 2012 winter solstice.

M: The sol--wasn’t that a big thing a, like…a couple years ago?  People still believe in that?

 C: I don’t know, I’m just telling you what the numbers say.  And see, here’s the thing.  I mean, yeah, the winter solstice was a big fucking thing two years ago, but you know, this particular winter solstice is also that Mayan shit.  This is not happening!

M: Oh yeah…people actually believe that shit?

C: [He sort of starts disjointedly babbling about how stupid the theory is and how he can’t even believe that the calendar has some link for a few seconds.]  What the fuck?  I…I need another beer.  I’ll be right back.


M: I still can’t believe people honestly believe that whole Mayan thing.

C: I dunno.  Whatever this is, I don’t think The Boss is behind this.

M: Huh.  Why not?

C: Call me crazy, but it’s a bit too overt for him.  He’s usually a lot more subtle with this shit.

M: I dunno, man.  I don’t see him much myself so…I dunno.

C: Well, there’s another lead I can look into.  I’ll have to head back west tomorrow.

M: So, uh, what exactly is it you do again?  It’s, what, you just spread information?

C: You know how most people are safe from him because they don’t know he even exists?

M: Yeah, that seems to be the case.

C: Basically, I make videos so more people find out about him one way or another.  And the more they know, the easier it is for him to get them somehow.  I don’t know how exactly it works, but it works.  I’m not, you know, going Clockwork Orange on people and forcing them to learn about Slender Man.  They’re digging their own grave; I’m just providing the shovel.  Shovel salesman!

M: I see.

C: I think I’m gonna head out, because--

M: Wait, can I ask you one thing quick?

C: What?

M: How do you deal with it?

C: I’ve…never really liked people, Messenger.  They’ve all been kind of stupid to me, and like I said, if they’re too stupid to figure out that I’m a double agent, it’s their own damn fault.  I’m just keeping myself safe and…dealing with the rest as it comes.  To be perfectly honest, after some of those inbox messages, there are some people in specific who I wouldn’t mind running into in a dark alley someday, because they’re that damn stupid.

M: You’re a cynical bastard, Cairo.  I like that about you.

C: Well, cynicism keeps you alive.  And I think I’m going to head out now.  I’ll contact you again if I need more information or whatever, but I don’t exactly want to get buddy-buddy with people in this business.

M: Trust me, I share the sentiment.  I share the sentiment.

[End call]


  1. The whole "I'm the shovel salesman!" speech sounds like a Suspiciously Specific Denial. Jeez, you guys have that much of an issues admitting that you're infecting people with knowledge? Fuck..

    "....because they're THAT damn stupid!" Oh god, the cynics in this business always make me giggle. You think you're all self-proclaimed Darwinists, and you're not. Not when it comes right down to it.

    You think you could kill some of those schmucks when they're staring up at you in terror, and you know it's ultimately YOUR fault when they die? You'd be the one squeezing the trigger? I'd love to know where people get the idea that killing people is EASY...

    1. It's those darn violent vidya games corruptin' the youths.