Saturday, September 10, 2011

Caper's Will to Poe

A few things first:  If you haven't read this post, which went up earlier today, now would be a good time.

I think I get now why whoever's been sending me these tapes (I'm just going to call him Big Brother) asked why Nee-chan showed up so soon after Caper died.  I guess that Screwtape is to Caper as Nee-chan is to Helios.  Poe's said that Theta is, in fact, still alive, and that he's currently Nee-chan's partner.  Is Theta the guy sending the tapes?  I'll have to investigate that.

According to Poe, that's probably why Caper died.  Not because he didn't track down some girl.  Because he killed a Hunter.  I guess that friendly fire gets you booted from the server.

But after she filled in whatever questions I had about the video, we started playing the audio file that Big Brother had left on the tape.  A little ways into it, it became clear that it was an audio will for Poe.  I paused it and asked if she'd like to listen to it alone.  She nodded, and I left the room for a while.  She came back in a few minutes later, crying.  Not sobbing, really.  In fact, I'd almost say they were closer to tears of happiness or joy.  She told me that she wanted me to listen to it again with her, and that it was okay to share it with all of you.

So I've got a little treat for you.  I actually got the file uploaded for you guys to hear.  It's a bit long, so if you don't want to listen to it of if you can't listen to it for some reason or another, I'll provide a transcript for you below.

And on a marginally related not, it's been a rough weekend.  We watched the tape on Friday (even though I only got it written up today), I had to spend today writing up my hardest report yet (I've got it scheduled for tomorrow because I've got enough being posted tonight), I heard from Andromeda, who wants an interview and I'm stressed over the prospect of even being in the same room as someone like's just all really been rough.  Which is why I'm not going to even look at this blog tonight or tomorrow.  I'll answer any questions you guys might have on Monday.  Right now, I'm doing something with Poe, and I really need the time just to be able to relax.  Clear my mind.  Forget for a while.

I guess I'll talk to you guys then.

Anyway, here's the other stuff.  Here's the download link.  Transcript below.

Caper's Will

Testing, testing…so how’s it working, Bob?  Is it gonna work okay?  You think…I mean, I really want it to…what do you mean, “it’s recording?”  We’re live?  Dammit, Bob, why didn’t you tell me—

Hey!  Hey, how’s it going, Poe?  It’s me.  Your old buddy Caper.  And if you’re listening to this…well, I guess it means I’m dead.   Hopefully.  I mean, not hopefully I’m dead, but hopefully you’re listening to this after I’m dead because it’s kind of intended as a will of sorts, and if you find it while I’m still alive, it’d be…well, it’d be a bit awkward.

But yeah, I’m dead, I guess.  Ain’t that great?  I mean, I don’t know how or when I died, because I haven’t yet.  I don’t plan on going out for a while, but I guess I’m not the one in control of that, huh?  I guess from your perspective, it’s already been a bit.  I’m deceased, I’m pushing up daisies, I’m…I’m an ex-Caper.  Really wish I had the dead parrot sketch memorized, but it’s not worth rerecording just so I can add it in.

But, um…I just figured, we’ve been partnered for a few months now, and I guess you really know almost nothing about me.  I mean, after all, I’m not a very chatty person [chuckle].  But I mean, you’ve heard my stories.  You know everything I say is pure bull, so…um… I guess that’s why I’m making this.

So this is a will of sorts.  I feel like I owe you two things—neither of them physical, but I figure you don’t really want anything physical from me anyway.  Well, except of course for my—no.  No, I’m not going there.  I’m not going to make a crude joke while you’re no doubt mourning the death of your old pal.  I know how much you hated those.  Maybe a different… [He starts laughing]  Hey, I just noticed something.  I’m talking to you from beyond the grave.  Ooooooooh, I’m a ghooooooooooost….  I’m sorry, that…wasn’t all that funny.  That was weak even by my standards.  Still hoping it made you smile, though.

Right, sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent again.  I’m leaving you two things, neither of them physical.  The first is my first name.  I’m not giving you my last name because I know you’ll be able to use that to look me up and figure out more about me, and I don’t want you doing that.  I don’t want you finding out about anything more than you need to.  For your sake as much as mine. 

[Long silence] 

Quentin.  My name’s Quentin.  Oh, god, that feels so weird to say again.  It’s been…well, I can’t give you an exact estimation, but it’s…oh, man, I haven’t used my real name now for…I don’t even know anymore.  It’s been a while.  I’d almost forgotten Quentin by the time I met Annabel.  …Speaking of which, I’m sorry for bringing her up.  I hope she’s not still around.

And the other thing?  Well…I’m going to tell you another story.

See, there was this woman.  Her name was Audrey.  And she was just this wonderful woman, I loved her so much…I spent about a year dating her…and then I sort of knocked her up.  She was, uh, not…well, it was sort of unexpected.  We were really worried at first, because we didn’t know what was going to happen, what we were gonna do.  I mean, we were younger and stupider back then, but…after a few days of confusion, I went up to her and asked her to marry me, because I realized that I wanted a family.  More than anything else, I wanted to be a father.  Of the little girl she was carrying.  Maybe it was a son, but part of me’s just convinced it was a daughter.

She said yes.  I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.  And then the next day…she was gone.  Disappeared.  Wouldn’t answer her phone, couldn’t get in contact with her any other way…went and talked to her parents.  And they told me that she had left, and that she didn’t want me to know where she was.  Where she had gone. 

For nearly two months, there was silence.  I heard nothing from her.  And then, when I finally did hear back from her, it was a fucking e-mail.  She sent me an e-mail telling me…that she had had an abortion.  She had gone off, behind my back, taken the daughter I desperately wanted to have…and removed her from existence before she even had the chance to exist in the first place.

I didn’t hear anything else from her until about a month after that.  And then, she knocked on my door in the middle of the night, sobbed into my shoulder, and told me she was sorry for everything.  She had panicked.  Didn’t know what to do.  She was confused.  She was sorry.  That she just wanted things to be how they used to be.  That she wanted everything to be right again.

I stroked her hair, whispered in her ear that I’d make everything all right.  And you know what I did?  I took my fingers…curled them around her neck…and strangled the bitch to death with my bare hands.

And I know that at this point, you’re waiting for me to say something outrageous.  Something disturbingly hilarious.  You’re wondering what the joke’s going to be.  When the funny part comes, when everything’s going to be better.  But that’s just it.  That’s the joke.  That there is no punchline.  That one’s true.  And the really crazy part is, if I could go back and do everything all over…I wouldn’t change a fucking thing.  I’d kill her all over again.  And happily.

What can I say, Poe?  It’s me.  Caper. [chuckle]  Not quite how you remember him, huh?


I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for everything.  I’m sorry that you got dragged into all this…sorry that I can’t be here now…sorry that I could only now, after I’m dead, bring myself to tell you even part of the truth.

I know how you felt about me, Poe.  To be honest, I’d be lying if I said that I never wished that it could have worked out.  But it couldn’t have.  It’s not what you needed.  Not what I needed.


Goodbye, Poe.  Try not to miss me too much, okay?

End Caper's Will
-Don't Shoot The Messenger-


  1. I guess it'd be stupid to think that the past is a simple matter for /anyone/ in this business.

    ... Hope everything else is okay on your end, Messenger.

  2. Same, but for both you and Poe. Hearing that had to be... difficult.

    I know this might not be the time to mention it, but fuck it. You should really look into that guy Caper killed. It might be connected to Nee-chan.