Poe's Tape

I'm going to do this one a bit differently.  The video isn't something I can easily provide a transcript for, and this conversation explains the contents just as well, as well as provides a bit of additional information.

[It's late at night.  Poe's in the kitchen, getting herself something to eat.  I enter.]

M: Hey, Poe, um, I'm sure you've told me before, but could you explain again how exactly you ended up as an Agent?

P: I...I've told you.  You did that interview.  A runner named Arnold left me to die, and...and an Agent found me, told me that I could either work for them or die....

M: Yeah, yeah, I remember that part.  It's the part after that that I don't remember.  Must have left it out in my interview.  I didn't ask how you started working for The Boss, Poe.  I asked you how you ended up as an Agent.

P:  I...Messi, I don't understand what you're talking about....

M: Poe...I looked back over your story.  And I caught a bit of a...logical error, I guess.  If it was either "join or die," why are you still here?  I'm taking a wild guess and assuming that there isn't some sort of explosive device planted in your neck that's holding up the "die" side of the bargain.  You've had plenty of chances to run, Poe.  Why haven't you?

P:  It's...it's complicated, Messi.  I don't want to talk about it.

M: Poe...tell me the truth.  There has to be a reason.

[She's silent.  Looks down.]

M: ...you couldn't, could you?

P: Messi, please, I don't want to talk about this.

M: I do.  We need to talk about this.  "Big Brother" sent me another video.  I watched it without you.  I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have done that.  But...look, Poe, this shouldn't surprise you.  I just...couldn't tell you about it.  It was...it was a video of you.

P: I...what?

M: Yeah.  A fucking tape of you.  And it's not exactly the newest tape either.  I don't think you'd even met Caper at the point it was taken

P: Oh, god, I....  Messi, I...look, it's not what you think--

M: It's not what I think?  Poe, I...how the hell is it not what I think?  You know what you were doing in the tape?  Oh, god, I wish it was something crazy or sociopathic, like...I don't even know.  Splitting a dog's skull open or something.  But no, you know what I see you doing?  I have to see you huddled in a corner, wearing jeans and a t-shirt that looked like they hadn't been washed in weeks, scribbling in a fucking notebook.  I barely recognized you, Poe.  I don't think I would have if your name wasn't attached to it.

P:  Oh...oh, god, you saw....

M: I don't even know what the hell I saw.

[She was silent.  Just looked down.]

M: Listen, Poe...I'm sorry.  But we're in this together now, whether we like it or not.  I need you to be able to trust me.  And I need to be able to trust you.  And there's something you're not telling me.

P: I...I wasn't myself.  For a while.

M: ...what happened?

P: I...It's hard to remember.  But she wasn't me back then.  Wasn't anyone.  Annabel maybe.  But she probably wasn't her, either.  He wouldn't let her be Annabel.

[She looked up at me, and for the first time, I looked into her eyes.  Not just looked at them.  Actually looked into them, saw what was in them.  And there was just...something in them.  No, there was something that wasn't in them.  Something missing in her eyes that should have been there.  Like there was some part of her that was trying to not exist.  And I understood why.  I panicked.  I shouldn't have been so worried, but...I panicked.]

M: Jesus, Poe, would you cut it out with the third person?  You sound like The Mad Fucking Ventriloquist.  How do I know you're not suddenly just going cryptic on me?  Who were you?  Who wouldn't let you be Annabel?  Just...just tell me as directly as you can.  Something that makes sense.

P:  I'm not Annabel anymore.  Not really.  I guess there's maybe still a bit of her--of me--there.  But mostly, it's just faint memories.  It's not who I really am.  And...it wasn't an Agent who found me, okay?  I was never gave me a real choice.  I'm sorry.  I...I didn't want to talk about it.  Didn't want to remember it right.  But you know who found me.  Please don't make me say his name.

M:  I'm...look, I'm sorry, I'm just...this is hard for me to take in.  How...how are you fighting all this?

P:  I...I told you.  I became someone new.  Caper helped.  He helped me through all of that.  Listened to what I could remember and helped figure out who I could be.  If he hadn't been there, I don't think I would have....

[She trailed off.  Fell silent.]

M:  So...are you, you know..."fixed?"

P:  I...I think so....

M: You think?  Or you know?  Poe, how do I know that you won't, I don't know, spontaneously decide to stab me to death while I sleep?

P:  [Her voice started wavering at this point.  She was pretty clearly agitated and was only barely holding back tears]  No!  No, I wouldn't...I...I mean...I'm sorry, I don't know!  Sometimes, I forget.  I'm able to forget everything and just be Poe.  I try to remember everything and to just let it all go is a relief.  But...but it's horrible, too.  Because I try holding on to everything, I'm afraid I'll slip.  I hate it when I'm like that.  I...I don't want anyone to know.

M: I'm...look, Poe...I'm sorry.  I know that I sound like a complete ass.  I'm just...I'm worried.

P: I told you, I--

M: No, Poe, just...not even for myself, really.  For you.  I...I don't want to lose you.

P:  I....  I....  Thank you.

[And we sort of just stood there awkwardly for a while, neither of us looking at the other.  I just stared at my feet, tapping the counter with my fingers.  Looked up.  She was just standing there, looking down, holding herself.  Broken, lost, confused...and convinced that the only person she had to turn to hated her.  I...I dunno.  I couldn't let her think that.  I mean, it wasn't true, but she needed someone at that moment.  She needed to know that she wasn't alone.  I'll admit that I'm not exactly too good at expressing sentiment and I don't think of myself as a personally emotional person, so the whole thing seemed kinda awkward and uncomfortable for me but...I dunno.  Did it anyway.  Stepped forward and hugged her.  Put my arms around her, let her cry into my shoulder, just so that she knew that I wasn't mad at her and that she wasn't alone.  I don't know.  I feel stupid typing this out.  I just hope it helped.]

M: I'm...I'm sorry.  I mean, I know I said that we shouldn't get attached to each other, but...well, I guess we need someone to keep us from going insane....

P: Yeah...I....  Thank you.

[She sort of weakly put her arms around me (I think she needed a place to put them so it felt less unnatural or something), and we just stood there for a minute or two.]

M:  Sooooo...does that Donovan guy know any of this?

P:  Uh...nnnno.  He wouldn't.  I mean, I thought of not telling you my name, since he'd know then, and it's maybe a good idea not to tell him....

M:  Sweet.  Straight to the blog.

P: What?  No!  No, nonono, Messi, please!  You can't tell anyone!

M: [Laughing] Poe, I'm kidding.  If you don't want to, no one has to know about the tape.  No one even knows I got one of you.  This whole thing never happened, okay?  It's your tape.  Your call.

P: Oh...okay....  Um...thank you.

[Silence]

P: Messi?  I...think it's maybe better if they know.  They'll want to know, and I know that you feel uncomfortable if you don't post things like this....

M: Poe, relax.  If you don't want it to go up, it won't.  You've read my blog.  Do you honestly think I care if they want to know?  They can go on wondering all their lives if they have to.  You mean more to me than any of them do.  I mean, you know...I don't have to live with any of them or anything.

P:  No, I mean...I want them to know.  It'll be easier if the truth is out there.

M: ...I'm sorry.

P:  No, don't be sorry!  It's my choice!

M: No, not that, it's just...I really haven't been able to do anything for you.  I'm a pretty bad friend, huh?

P:  No!  You're not a bad friend at all!

M: Terrible then, huh?

P: No, you're...you've done plenty.  You've let me cry.  And you helped me get away from Screwtape.  And you don't judge me.  And...and you're just...nice to me.

M: I...I let you cry.  That's...that's what I've done for you?  That's...Poe, that's not anything.  And really, you helped me get away from Nee-chan as much as I helped you get away from Screwtape.

P: You do more than you realize.  After Caper...I almost didn't make it.

M: I'm sure you would have been fine.

[She just got quiet and looked down.]

M: Look, Poe, I want you to know that, no matter what happens, no matter what stupid things I might accidentally say or if I yell at you tonight...you need to know that I really do...that I'm here for you.  If you need my help for anything, I'm here for you.

P: [quietly] Thank you.

M: Poe, I...fuck it.  Let's just...let's get some sleep.  It's...if we're going to talk about this further, we should talk about it tomorrow after we've had some time for the issue to cool some.

P: All right.

[I headed for my bedroom, but paused before going in and closing the door.]

M: Hey, Poe?

P: Yes?

M: I don't think I ever really told you, but...I enjoyed Death Note.  It was a good show.  Even if I couldn't really follow the end.  It was...it was good.  Thanks.

P:  I'm...glad you liked it.

[And that's when I closed my door.  That's where I ended the conversation.  Just because I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I was thinking.  Couldn't tell her what I wanted to say.  Still can't, because I know she's reading this.  Poe...look.  I'm sorry.  I hope you're not mad at me.]

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-