I'm not okay.
Everyone I care about is gone. And it's...everything has been getting worse. I eat once a day, and barely. I just can't work up an appetite. My nightmares have been getting worse, and it's been hard to sleep because of it. I'm starting to see things and hear things and then when I blink they're not there or I'm realize that there's nothing to hear. I think I might be losing it some.
It's been bad for a while. Worse than I've let on. The nightmares have been almost nightly for months, even when things were going better. But pills have helped some. Sleeping pills. Antidepressants. Painkillers. But they've been working less and less now that I've been getting worse and worse, so I've been taking more. More potent stuff more frequently in higher doses.
I've been drinking more too. It helps. Helps me forget for a bit. Makes things easier. I drink too much, I think. Never been a drinker. Body's still not used to it. Hangovers mean more pills. Sometimes the pills and alcohol don't mix. Zombie's had to bail me out twice now. Twice that I almost died.
I sat at the table with a knife against my wrist for half an hour today. Not doing anything. Just staring at it. I wanted to finish it. But I couldn't. I don't know if I'm clinging to something for some reason or if I'm just too much of a coward to finish it. Or even if he won't let me. But I just sat there. Half an hour. And then I broke down crying. Dropped the knife, collapsed to the floor and just started sobbing. Cried myself to sleep. Had a dream where Screwtape was beating Poe and then he looked up and it wasn't Screwtape's face. It was mine. Woke up. Checked the clock. I slept for half an hour at most.
I can't take this anymore.
Messenger. So long as you have a breath in you and two working legs... you can accomplish something. I am sorry for your losses. Sometimes we're not able to protect those we wanted to... but there's more than one way to protect someone. Or even Something. Even if that 'something' is just an idea. A concept.
ReplyDeleteKeep your mind working. Give it a focus.
Even if this is Him killing you slowly... why let Father take you off your feet? You served Him, didn't you? Aren't you?
Make sure He kills you Standing, Messenger.
You asked before why I pretend to be a good guy?
ReplyDeleteBecause somebody has to try.
He's breaking down. Can't SOMEONE try to visit him? Where the hell is Nee-chan in this mess?
ReplyDeleteI tried but he wouldn't let me in. I don't think he's opening his door to anyone except Zombie.
Delete"He wouldn't let me in." That would require your being a proxy, and one that had been in his apartment complex. Why am I the only one noticing this?
DeleteProbably people think I'm "gamejacking" like that Amadaun kid was.
DeleteIf you were gamejacking, he'd have bitched at you by now. Like that guy with the meatspin link. ^.^
DeleteYou are making the dangerous presumption that he's either online, awake or alive. We can't really assume any of those things at the moment.
DeleteOr that he cares. Equally dangerous.
DeleteI doubt he'll die just yet.
Being online requires caring. With the issue of his being awake? His nightmares are getting worse. Those sleeping pills have to have stopped working by now. I don't doubt he's awake. But if he isn't online, and he isn't sleeping.. what is he doing?
Good question. It's been a while since I've seen Nee-chan or Zombie, so I really have no idea.
DeleteI...
ReplyDelete...
I think this is what they don't realize. This is our big, dark secret. I've seen even the most talented Hunters wake up screaming, new recruits lay awake at night, veterans sit together, unwilling to let the night take them, or even worse, become slowly Hallowed out, nothing in even their own minds.
But here's the difference. All you Runners, all you do is fire off like clockwork. Everyone has to be "saved", everyone has to "fight", hold onto life until not even a shred of one's dignity remains. I'm not going to tell you to do that, Messenger. I don't think I could even bring myself to do such a hypocritical thing.
If you can't do it yourself, if you've really had enough, if you won't do this anymore, then figure out some way that's painless. Or ask someone for assistance. Bloody fucking hell, even I'd offer my services at this point.
Because at this point, that's really the only kindness anyone can give you.
Really? The fuck...? You're turning around and looking for sympathy now after yelling at everyone? Hmm... okay, after yelling at half of us? XP
ReplyDeleteYou really are a selfish son of a bitch, aren't you? Suck it up.
You really are terrible at this sort of thing, aren't you?
DeleteChrist, dude, there are only so many times you're going to get away with being an abusive fuckhole to suicidal people, you know.
DeleteYou know what? No. Because this time I'm really feeling it. This isn't some manipulative reverse psychology bullshit. This is plain honest fact.
DeleteYou know how many runners and proxies alike seem to respect this son of a bitch? A lot more then will ever respect me, I can tell you that much. If he asked for help ONCE, there are people watching this blog who would flock to his sorry ass and try their damnedest to pull him to safety. And yeah, they may damn well fail! But they'd try! But no. He thinks he's got it all fucking figured out and he's content to just go it alone like he's all that and a bag of chips. Then shit hits the fan and he can't figure out what happened. Newsflash! HE Happened to HIMSELF. And then he wants to whine and blame all of us for shit cause "we don't understand proxies" or some bullshit like that?
Fuck him. He dug this hole. He can dig his way out or he can sink deeper. His choice. But whining about it ain't accomplishing shit.
I've noticed a lot of your butthurt seems to stem from the fact that other people are more respected than you. Funny that, people not having so much respect for a guy who tries to fight the tall dude by giving him My Little Pony toys.
DeleteOn a more serious note, you need to run, man, you just missed your 10:31 point. It just flew right past you, you better hurry.
@Brooklyn. I'm surprised to see you this blind. You're normally much better. Or is this hitting a bit too close to home for you, sweetheart?
DeleteI find it hard to believe you didn't see this as what lay as the cause behind the rants. I thought it rather obvious. Anger does tend to be the first defense, after all, doesn't it? And then there's the matter... of wondering just who he is attempting to punish through his rants. The Runners? The World? Father? Or himself?
Taking things at face-value is a dangerous habit to get into, darling.
Nevertheless... he also was completely correct. You don't understand us. How could you? You yourself are better than most, I will admit... but to claim to understand our mindsets? Why we are the way we are? A very steep proclamation, Brooklyn. One I doubt you're fully prepared to make.
It hits a bit closer to home than most probably realize... but I try to make it a point NOT to constantly bitch about "how bad it is out here" because I think we've got more than enough whiners out there to cover all the moaning I could possible offer. Shit gets old. And I'm sick of this spill about nobody understanding one person's pain over anothers just because they're on a different side of the fence.
DeleteSo my second and third guesses were both right.
ReplyDelete