I'm not okay.
Everyone I care about is gone. And it's...everything has been getting worse. I eat once a day, and barely. I just can't work up an appetite. My nightmares have been getting worse, and it's been hard to sleep because of it. I'm starting to see things and hear things and then when I blink they're not there or I'm realize that there's nothing to hear. I think I might be losing it some.
It's been bad for a while. Worse than I've let on. The nightmares have been almost nightly for months, even when things were going better. But pills have helped some. Sleeping pills. Antidepressants. Painkillers. But they've been working less and less now that I've been getting worse and worse, so I've been taking more. More potent stuff more frequently in higher doses.
I've been drinking more too. It helps. Helps me forget for a bit. Makes things easier. I drink too much, I think. Never been a drinker. Body's still not used to it. Hangovers mean more pills. Sometimes the pills and alcohol don't mix. Zombie's had to bail me out twice now. Twice that I almost died.
I sat at the table with a knife against my wrist for half an hour today. Not doing anything. Just staring at it. I wanted to finish it. But I couldn't. I don't know if I'm clinging to something for some reason or if I'm just too much of a coward to finish it. Or even if he won't let me. But I just sat there. Half an hour. And then I broke down crying. Dropped the knife, collapsed to the floor and just started sobbing. Cried myself to sleep. Had a dream where Screwtape was beating Poe and then he looked up and it wasn't Screwtape's face. It was mine. Woke up. Checked the clock. I slept for half an hour at most.
I can't take this anymore.