Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Moment of Decision

I've done some thinking after Kyle's death.  I know that this is a crucial time.  Kyle was basically my only reason for being here.  All the people I care about who need me here?  They're all dead.  Gone.

I really have no reason to be here.

And I know what you're wondering.  You're wondering what I'm going to do now that my only reasons for being here have vanished.  Honestly, if I wanted to, I could take off and go on the run right this second.

But I'm staying.

I know.  Maybe not what you expected.  But I've been evaluating my options the past few days.  Kyle's gone.  Maybe the car crash was just an accident.  Maybe The Boss went back on his word and he's fully responsible for it.  But in the end, it doesn't really matter.  Kyle's dead, and the choice I make won't bring him back.  It's my choice, and his death shouldn't have an impact on it.

I'm involved with The Boss now, whether I like it or not.  I could run, yes.  But where would that get me?  I've said from day one that the position I'm in is safer.  Am I a selfish bastard because of it?  Maybe.  But nothing's stopping you from making the same choice.

I could run.  I could try to escape him.  I could take my chances.  Maybe I'd be running into the open arms of a welcoming family of bloggers.  But you know what?  I don't want that.  To be perfectly honest, I don't much care for any of you.  I'm in this for me, not for you.  I can shoulder my own burden.  I don't want you to shoulder it for me, because I know that you'd expect the same of me.  I don't want any of you dragging me down.  I don't want that obligation.  I don't want to have to shelter you and risk you bringing The Boss to my doorstep.  I don't want to donate funds or equipment to someone who might end up dying tomorrow.  And I sure as hell don't want charity from you.

So that's the answer.  That's my decision.  I'm staying.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-


  1. Well, well. I misjudged you Mr. Funeral. I thought for certain you would have jumped ship by now. Huh. I suppose an apology is called for? Fine. I am sorry for my rude behavior towards you.

    1. Are you going to start calling him "Brother" now too?

  2. Replies
    1. Interesting. You two mind elaborating?

      -Don't Shoot The Messenger-

    2. I for one think it's an awful decision...but hey, what do I know?

    3. no, just stop it. there's no goddamn point.

      back when he had people to fight for, rebelling might have meant something. but now? if he rebelled now, it wouldn't be because he wanted to protect someone, or because he thought it was the right thing to do. it would be a tantrum. nothing but a pointless gesture.

      nobody would gain anything by having one more runner around. he'd probably die within the month anyway.

      nobody loses anything by leaving him where he is. he doesn't hurt anybody and reminds us that we're all victims of the same monster.

      i have no problems with messenger's decision.

      just stay alive and don't compromise your morals, you pretentious ass.

    4. I'd say.. he's helping more than hurting anyone.

      That isn't what I have a problem with. >.<

  3. Staying because it keeps you alive.
    I understand.
    Keep safe, Messenger.

  4. Wow, he knows what we're thinking. It's almost like he can read the comments or something.

  5. ... Sometimes all we have left in life is simply life itself.
    I'm not going to fault you for making a choice I have already made.

  6. Everyone is suddenly okay with Messi essentially saying he's giving up. He's being selfish, he cares no more about the morals he used to have. This is his "life changing decision." This is it, no takesy backsies. That nice slippery slope into Fucked Up Land? He's taking a nose dive off the side into GOD DAMN IT YOU SELL OUT.

    Whatever. You want to give up on all your pretty little plans now that your girlfriend's comatose, you do that.

    It's not like you know, anyone might actually CARE about you and TRY TO HELP you. Not like your work environment has you eating once a day and sleeping sporadically, or the stress has you about to tear your hair out. Oh no. Staying is soooooo much better for your health and your morals.

    1. Good point, Amy. I fully agree. I AM at least getting food and the ability to choose my hours of sleep here. And the stress can't be all that bad compared to constantly looking over your shoulder.

      Frankly, considering the people who might CARE about me and TRY TO HELP me, I think I'll take my chances with the people who aren't pretending to not hate me.

      -Don't Shoot The Messenger-

    2. You would get food on the run, and I honestly believe that you'd be less stressed RUNNING from the bastard than serving him. You fucking masochistic bastard. The ability to choose your hours of sleep? The, what, 2-3 you get while worrying about every fucking thing in the universe? You pretend not to care about people, you push people away, then you want to get butthurt when they die. You are a liar, you are a coward, and now? You are a fucking sell out.

      What's worse is that I'm honestly trying to help you. Warn you before you get any deeper in. I promise, you're in Purgatory now. You will be in Hell if you give up everything you've wanted with Poe and your, well, humanity. You have SUCH BAD SHIT coming up for you, and you think it's going to be easy? Better for you? Good grief, you're being naive.

      Yeah. I don't hate you. I hate your goddamn choices, and every one you make has made your life harder on you and those you care about.

    3. Oh shit, looks like I went mainstream. I'm such a terrible person. How will you hipsters ever learn to love me again?

      I get food now. Jacob pays for what I need. How am I going to hold down a job if I'm running, huh? How am I going to get food with no source of income? I don't live extravagantly, but I have enough. Can you honestly tell me that things are going to get BETTER if all these psychopaths surrounding me are given free reign to hunt me down and I don't have the money to support myself?

      Besides, I'd have to lug my computer around with me. I've got such a nice little setup here. It's too cumbersome to bring with me, and even if it wasn't, I really don't feel like setting my desktop up again every time I get to a new place.

      Who knows. Maybe I'd be a bit more willing to believe that you were trying to help me if you weren't such a bitch about it. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, y'know.

      -Don't Shoot The Messenger-

    4. You went MAINSTREAM? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You are effectively signing your own death warrant. We gave a fuck about you when you actually had a reason to occasionally be kind to the Runners, and write up their obituaries. Which was kind of sweet, in a morbid way that was your job. You were like the bitter little pacifist of our little verse, and damn was it fun to watch you suffer and try to drag you out of your hole.

      But now? You are actively digging yourself a deeper hole, purposely, because you're too fucking lazy and cowardly to give a fuck about your life and make something of it. You have the skills, the talent and the know how to seriously fucking help the other side. You know how much people would PAY for that? Good grief, you'd be set for life. You'd probably have people falling all over themselves to guard you and protect your life. Shit, I know a few GRAY HATS that would love to do that. MASC is infamous for throwing their muscle around if they think someone's useful. Like you. But you don't care to even TRY.

      You're honestly too lazy to carry about your computer? You couldn't maybe steal a laptop or buy one off of someone with that, oh, money you could make? Fuck. You're.. you're really not worth the effort of trying to pull your ass out of the fire.

      I am a bitch about how I help. Too many people are sugarcoating your stupid fucking decisions as is. That's the problem. Too many yes men, not enough honesty. But really? If kindness would help, I'd do it. But I already tried that, and you fucking ignored me over it. Now? Now I have no problem being a flaming bitch to you. See what caught your attention, eh?

    5. You honestly think I can make good money off of this? There really aren't many jobs I can work that aren't IT-related, and that's kind of hard to do on the move or at a distance. How the hell could I use my talents for "the other side?" If I could be "set for life" doing something like this, I'd already be set for life.

      And a laptop's not worth using. Doesn't have the computing power I need.

      Also, you seem to be operating under the assumption that I've done you some great injustice. Your perception is slightly flawed. I've done no more ill to you than you have to me.

      I'd prefer you stop verbally harassing me, please. Have I once told you to go away despite your constant attacks at me, even when you were rubbing Poe's regression in my face? No. Don't make me change that.

      -Don't Shoot The Messenger-

    6. I honestly know you could. Runners would pay you, proxies would pay you, hell, Gray Hats would pay you. You aren't paying attention. Again.

      You know how I feel about this, and by both our standards we've wronged each other pretty badly. How you've wronged me is pretty private, but it is severe enough that I'd like to say that my reactions HAVE been warranted. I wish you'd understand why. I wish you'd pull your head out of your ass and not jump into the abyss. But, I can't stop you.. you've proved the things I say and do have no bearing on how you life your life.

      No. You never once acknowledged me unless you were forced, and those times were in passing. You never gave a fuck, and yet you wonder why people are at arm's distance now in your time of need. You know why. You drove them away, and you will be alone in the end. I am sorry it's become this way.

      I wasn't rubbing it in your face.. I was trying to keep it from finishing out. You knew, I knew, Eddie knew, everyone with a head in their skull that dealt with Husks knew what was happening to Poe. To "Annabel." You didn't want to accept it and turn back while there was still time, and she broke because of it. I didn't blame your beliefs or your love for her. I blamed you for your inaction, your cowardice, and your fear in the face of what should have and should be done. You are so much better than this.

      You don't need me, you don't need my help. You have this all figured out on your own, don't you? I see where this is going. I'll cut ties and let you live out the rest of your life how you see fit, whether that ends in misery and pain or apathy and routine. I think we all know this won't end in happiness.

      You said once the nightmares were killing you, from all the crazy bastards that you worked with. That you knew it wasn't the Slender Man. You said we were all hypocrites. The truth is, you're the worst one of us.

      Goodbye, Alan. Messenger. Whoever you are in all this crazy mess. I.. I wish we'd met under different circumstances. We could have been friends.

  7. Good for you, Messenger. This may not be where you belong, but it's where you're not going to die and I, for one, think anyone who would begrudge you that is a moralising douchecanoe. Godspeed to you, sir.